Monday, January 31, 2005

Just Another Mommy Blog...

This past Saturday, the NY Times ran an article about "mommy blogs." While my girl Dooce ( was the "star" of this article, the whole thing left a bit of bitter taste in my mouth. So there are a lot of us out there. So there are a lot of women who have become moms that are thrown into this new life to realize that there are things about parenthood and what it does to your marriage, your career and your overall being that no one told you. I think it's great that we have an outlet, to share or just to vent, but I felt this article kinda trivialize us and what we do and say.

The other thing, is that I SOOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSO don't want to be just another "dooce rip off." I held off starting a blog for awhile because I didn't want to feel like I was just trying to be here. She's cool - I love Heather B. Armstrong. I read her blog and am amazed by how much our lives are alike. She's one of the ONLY other people in the world that not only thinks, but makes known to the world, that she thinks her dogs paws smells like Fritos. I really, truly believed that I was the only one that smelled my dogs paws, and thought of Fritos. She's my girl, but I never want to be seen as a copy of her. And why am I so self conscious about this? Because I read some of these other "mommy blogs" and think that - so I'm sure that some people think that about mine.

Oh, I wish that I just didn't care what others thought of me! But alas, I do. I'm a lemming.. if People magazine says that True Religion jeans are the new "must haves" - then I must have them. I am a marketing persons wet dream. Tell me that a certain shampoo will make my hair shiny or voluminous, or a tooth paste will give me glowing white teeth - I will buy it. Some may say that I have self esteem issues, but let's be honest - my issues run MUCH deeper than that! HAHAHA

Anyway.. this post is somewhat boring and trite, but it's what's on my mind at the moment. I would love to tell you all about what my husband did today (but he reads my blog) or about the DRA-MA going on at work (but I don't want to get "dooced").. but alas, today you get just a lame rant.

I did promise an update on Adult night though.. we ate a yummy Spanish meal (I ate too much bread and aioli and drank to much Sangria) then we went to a bar (Also drank to much, had one ciggie and thought I was going to vomit). It was a good evening out with good friends. The most bizarre part of the evening was when a girl came up to me, hugged me and told me she missed me - yeah, it was the check-out girl from the Vons we used to go before we moved. RANDOM. Then when Kelly and I were outside having our "smoke" and desperately trying to be "cool", this drunk chick came up to us and started talking this incomprehensible story.. we were laughing because we had no clue what the hell she was talking about, and she went on because she thought that we were laughing at her story. Truly the strangest moment of the past year... before July of 2003, the encounter wouldn't have even registered on the "strange o' chart" but since then things have been a bit slow.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

adult night... adult night.. back to bed

The biggest problem with "Adult Night" as parents is that you revert back to pre-baby ways that night, but at 6:15 the next morning the reminder that you are parents hits you like a tons of bricks.. a ton of shrieking, crying bricks..It's a good thing that Jason jumps up and takes care of the "bricks" until Mommy decided to wake up at TWELVE NOON.

Yes, yes yes.. I slept until 12:00 PM today. Man, it was fantastic. I can not remember the last time I slept that late. Obviously it wasn't since March 2 of 2004 - but I really think it was WAY before that. And let me just tell you - it was beautiful. :-)

I promise to give a brief rundown of the nights festivities.. but at the moment I can't really form sentences either in my head or on the keyboard (I've mistyped every other letter so far..)

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Adult Night! Adult Night!!

Tonight is "adult night"... Our fabulous Nanny Melissa is coming over and babysitting Lucas and Kelly and Ian's baby Gavin and then the adults and Carin and Hillary are all going out to a nice restaurant where no babies are allowed! We're going to get dressed up and leave the diaper bags at home. We're going to get our drink on (is that still a cool phrase?) and swear and maybe even smoke a cigarette! EEEEEKKK! So excited.

Friday, January 28, 2005

The Green Balloon

Last night Jason’s Grandma took us out to dinner to thank us for setting up her new printer. Since Lucas fell asleep on the way to Nana’s house, we figured it was best to choose a restaurant where he could shriek and no one would a) care or b) even notice. That place is Red Robin. We waited about 15 minutes for a table and Lucas stood there excitedly watching all the kids go by and banging on the glass door. By the time we got to the table to sit down, he was starving and probably a bit overstimulated. Cheerios and sweet potatoes just weren’t enough to keep his attention, so I took him to the front and asked the 16 year-old hostess if we could have a balloon. Well, you would have thought it was Christmas.. Lucas watched that balloon blow up with absolute wonder and amazement in his eyes – and when she handed him that floating green ball of fun, Lucas actually started squealing with delight.

He was mesmerized. We tied the balloon on his high chair and he pulled on the string and watched that balloon go up and down, over and over. He had this grin on his face, and if he could talk you know that he would be saying “I gotta ba-llooo-oon, I gotta ba-lloooo-oon!” It was pure and simple joy. A glorious moment of parenthood where you are actually able to see the awe and amazement of simple things in life through the eyes of a child.

Pure emotion floating through his body, Lucas yanked the ball of wonder a little too hard… and the balloon came off of the string and floated away to the ceiling. Lucas sat there, watching it float up into the fans and lights and that look of joy and happiness just melted into the saddest face you have ever seen. It was the look of utter disappoint in life.. the four toothy grin that was there just moments before morphed into a frown while his eyes looked from Jason to me asking “What? Why? How could life be so cruel to take away my balloon?!”

This look broke my heart. I literally got tears in my eyes.. not for the balloon, but because I realized that this will not be the first time that he will give me this look. The thought of all the pain and disappointment that I won’t be able to make better with a bottle or a big hug just crushed me inside. I’m not being negative, but realistic… he will have his heartbroken at one point, he probably will not get at least one job in his life that he really wants, he may face challenges in his life that I can’t help with or protect him from.. Basic challenges that adults face everyday – but the thought of my precious child ever facing them broke my heart into two.

Well, I immediately asked the waitress for another green balloon which was brought to us promptly and all became right in Lucas’ world again. As Lucas sat there, playing with balloon #2 with the same excitement and happiness, I realized that I have the power to make his life happy and worry free.. Well, at least for a little while longer.

I swear, no one can really explain to you how hard this parent thing really is. You hear about the lack of sleep, colicky babies and the terrible twos.. but no one bothers to try to explain the gut wrenching, slightly nauseous feeling you get when your 10 month-old’s balloon floats away for the first time.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Random Thoughts

NOTE– for those of you who read my dear husband’s blog, I’m not copying his entry. I guess it’s just been a random week.

So I saw the new (?) J Lo video this week. Um, so what was the point? Why, for 2 seconds, does she think that we care to see the “nerdy J Lo” the “go-go dancer J Lo” the “waitress J Lo” or best of all “Latina Gansta’ J Lo? Yes, Jenny from the block, we are aware that you are cute no matter what wig you got.. but answer me WHAT WAS THE FREAKING POINT OF THE VIDEO?! And while you are at it – WHY THE HELL DID YOU LEAVE BEN TO MARRY A MISSHAPEN MAN WITH A LAZY EYE?!

Speaking of Ms. Thang – the lovely ladies of FUG have a great pic of her at a recent event - . Oh my.

We had a meeting at a high-school the other day. I’m old – SO OLD.. first, I just wanted to line all the kids up and wash their hair and give them a haircut so that they don’t have dirty hair in their eyes. I remember my mom telling me to get my hair out of my eyes and thinking "she's so not cool.." when I was 15.. see - OLD. Second – all the girls were wearing high heels or high heel boots. I wanted to yell at them “NO! Enjoy your flip flop wearing days while you can! Too soon you will be forced into the confines of “nice shoes” – enjoy FLATS while you still don’t need heels to lift your sagging ass!”

I would love to have more time in each day. Each week I long for just a few more hours – if I had more time maybe I really would get to the gym one of these days. I was bitching to friend Kelly about this other night. She said her and Ian (her hubby) were talking about Jason and I saying that they have no clue how we manage to do as much as we do. After having dinner with them last week, we apparently impressed them that we still read, watch TV, blog, do things out of the house, work and have a baby. Interesting.

Jason and I feel like slugs and we look at other people and wonder how they have it so together. Do we have a warped perception of ourselves – or do we just put up a really good front?

Lucas (apparently) took his first step the other day. I know you are wondering why it’s not the title of my blog and a big exciting moment. Well, because I wasn’t there. I was at Pat and Oscars picking up salads for dinner and I guess he “took one step and then fell” for Jason. So therefore, because I wasn’t there, it didn’t really happen.

A Fan from Sudan ..

Ann, the “be fri” to my “st ends” in elementary school, is off in the Sudan saving the world from HIV. She is an amazing person that gave up her job and house in Hollywood for the “bush.” She amazes me on a regular basis with the selfless way she is living her life for the good of others. She’s the type of person that makes me feel like a piece of smelly shit when I bitch about how much I want a “nice” car or am upset over the fact that I can’t buy $175 jeans because my husband thinks it’s a complete waste of money. She’s in FUCKING SUDAN – living in a dirty compound to help with AIDS awareness. Did I mention that she’s in SUDAN?! All I know about Sudan is that it’s one of the most dangerous places on earth! And she’s there!!

Before we nominate Annie (I just can’t get used to calling her by her grown-up name of Ann. Besides how jealous was I of her in 3rd grade that she held the name of my all time favorite orphan turned rich girl!) for sainthood, let’s be fair. “Christmas” in Egypt touring the pyramids, jaunts to Zanzibar to go SCUBA diving - the bitch is having the time of her life.

I got an email from Annie today saying that she loves my blog! I’m envisioning her sitting in African wilderness reading my blog as herds of Giraffes and Zebras wander in the distance. Alas, as I learned from the first pictures she sent to me after getting over there, Sudan is by the equator and looks more like Jamaica than “Africa” the way us stupid American’s think of Africa. Regardless, I thought that I would share her comments with everyone because I find her life so totally fascinating that I’m sure you will also.

Hey B—
I’m loving reading your blog. I copied a few days worth and am reading it in my minimum amount of spare time. Anyway, I’m loving it! Its great to hear your voice speaking to me J But, you complain about 90 degrees! Hmm. I sweat brushing my hair! I mean, I signed up for this, so I shouldn’t complain, right? But its amazing how much a body can sweat! And, its also pretty amazing how you can reach the point of not really caring at all. Showering has even become such a moot point….5 minutes afterwards, you couldn’t even tell you’ve been under “cleansing” water and soap.

And clean clothes?!?! What a concept. You worry about scratching your boobs during a meeting. I went to a meeting today with the freakin’ UN who wants to give us a little money to do some awareness/education for the returning refugees, with unwashed hair, pants the color of dirt (not purposely), flip flops and motorcycle wind blown hair. It was hilarious! Sometimes I look at myself and think, what the fuck!!??? My mother would be mortified!
But, what is even funnier is how long it takes me to adjust to polite society when I get to the city. Like, having to remind myself that maybe I should shower and put on clean clothes if I’m going out to dinner! J I don’t want to give you the impression that I’ve become a complete slob, but truly cleanliness is a farce around here, so you get used to not even holding up the illusion.

As for the itching, I so hear you on that. I may not have hives, but I certainly have mosquito bites. The kind of itchy that wakes you up in the middle of the night, and can’t get rid of until you’ve scratched your skin raw and bloody.
Well, I just wanted to say a quick hello.
- a

How cool is this chick?!

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Put them together, what a fine looking Jew

Jason and I were raised with the exact same religious upbringing – Nothing. Both us of us have one parent that is Jewish, and one that is not and religion pretty much topped out Christmas trees and menorahs. We’ve never felt a real “need” for it on a spiritual level, but we’ve always thought that the community aspects of it would be nice.

Our wedding was like a bad joke – there was a Jewish Grandma, A Catholic Grandma and a Christian Grandma.. The Jewish Gma was horrified that I wasn’t wearing a veil or getting married under a huppah, the Catholic Gma was horrified that we were not getting married during a full mass, and the Christian Gma.. well, I think that she was just happy that we were getting married and no longer “living in sin.” But I thought that we did a fine job at combining all faiths into a simple ceremony conducted by our friend.

We did have a brief encounter with the Unitarian Universalist church a year later.. but we couldn’t quite grasp that there was a room full of children under 5 and no people that looked like they were in their 20s or 30s ???

The topic of religion was brought up again 10-fold with Lucas’ birth. Lucas as a name I guess is pretty biblical (ie – Luke. That never even crossed our minds), we didn’t have a bris and we didn’t get him baptized. When I told my Christian grandmother that we were not going to get Lucas baptized, her response was “Well, I’ll let you pray on that one..” Um. My point exactly.

So the entire topic was shelved until a few weeks ago at Eli and Marc’s wedding. Growing up, all my friends were Jewish. The better part of my 13th year of life was spent at bar or bat mitzvahs and on Jewish holidays, I was literally the only white kid in school. I’ve always been interested in Judaism because it’s so rich in tradition and there is an explanation for why things are done and why certain beliefs are held. It’s not a blind faith to a book that is the end all be all, but it honors traditions based on events of your ancestors, my ancestors.. well, ½ of my ancestors.

At the wedding Jason and I got to talking with the Rabbi – the female Rabbi – that married Eli and Marc. I think her intelligence got Jason’s attention. Even I was surprised when Jason said that he would be interested in talking further to a Rabbi in the San Diego area.

Rabbi Erin is getting us in touch with another Rabbi that she went to Rabbinical school with who is at a local Synagogue. This synagogue practices reform Judaism, which upon further research is quite interesting. The thing that I found interesting was their practice of inclusion, not exclusion and they are 100% accepting of gays and lesbians. Considering if anything were to happen to Jason and I, Lucas would be raised by a lesbian couple, I find this extremely important.

So that’s where we stand. We are going to speak with this Rabbi and see what it’s all about and if this is something that we may be interested in. The not having a Christmas tree thing will be hard, but just because we choose one direction doesn’t mean that we can’t still celebrate the traditions of our family with them, right?

Sunday, January 23, 2005

First Kiss

Today we took the furry kid and the baby kid to Dog Beach. Yes, I understand that 1/2 of you may be reading this from areas that are currently under 4 ft of snow, but to you I just say "WE CAN'T BUY A CONDO FOR LESS THAN $450k no matter how far inland we go" and I feel that we are even. So as I was saying, we took the kids to the beach so that Mick (the furry one) could get some much needed exercise.

I also used this opportunity to snap some new shots of Lucas on the beach. None of which he actually looked at the camera for.. but they came out cute non the less. While we were standing there, along came Talia, an adorable little auburn haired one year one in totally stylish Robeez with whales on them. Talia was (of course) drawn the adorableness of Lucas, and walked over to say hi. Well, she took one look at the precious cheeks and wobbly stand and couldn't control herself - she walked right over to Lucas and planted a kiss right on his little unexpecting lips.

It was the cutest thing I have ever seen.

Ohh.. Lucas' first kiss... And Lucas being a typical male and not used to the female making the first move just stood there and stared at her as she walked away down the beach...

SIGH - I realize that I have many years of training Lucas not to be a "stupid boy" ahead of me.

Who wouldn't want to kiss this cutie? Posted by Hello

Riding the Train to Nowhere...

Riding the train outside the zoo. The best use of $1.75 in San Diego. You can also take your dogs on this little train. When Lucas is 2, I'm sure we will hate the train b/c he will have to ride it at least 3 times everytime we go to the zoo. Posted by Hello

TURTLES! Real ones.. not the teenage mutant ones

He did actually look at the turtles. The turtles were suprisingly active and crawling over each other. I think it was the horrid sound of turtle shell on turtle shell that caught his attention Posted by Hello

Lucas shrieking at the turtles Posted by Hello

A day at the Zoo

For Christmas Jason's parents got us passes to the Zoo and Wild Animal Park. So being a sunny nice day yesterday, we met our friends Barb and Brian and their baby Alex at the zoo and walked around for a few hours.

Lucas seems to like the zoo, but it's hard to understand how much of it he actually comprehends. We stopped by the orangutans and there was an ape literally right in front of him behind this thick plexi glass wall and he looked at it, but didn't have much reaction to it. Does he think it's just a big "Mick"? (Mick is our dog).

If you have ever been to the San Diego Zoo, you know that the majority of it is up a hill or so. Actually, the entire zoo is up or down a hill. Regardless, we hiked up to see the giraffes and here are these magnificent 16 ft tall beasts not 5 ft in front of him. We are cooing "Look at the Giraffe's Lucas! Look" in those high pitch tones that you use with babies for some bizarre reason. Barb and Brian are doing the same thing to Alex.. We were quite a sight. 4 adults holding babies up and making funny noise to try to get the babies attention to the GIGANTIC ANIMALS that are right in front of them..

So where the babies enthralled with the exotic mottled Giraffes?? Did we spark interest and curiosity in their young pliable minds? Were we holding future zoologists in our our arms?

Not so much. Apparently the bushes in front of the Giraffe habitat were WAY COOLER and so much more interesting.

Friday, January 21, 2005

My Kawasaki Disease PSA

Since Lucas' diagnoses and treatment of Kawasaki Disease (KD) in December of 2004, we have learned a lot about the disease, and just how lucky we were to live near such a great Children's hospital and have a stellar pediatrician. I can't even begin to imagine where we would be today if we didn't have the fabulous doctors that we had available to us.

When we took our sick baby into the emergency room on December 7, we had never heard of Kawasaki Disease or Dr. Burns. Today we are "pseudo-experts" on it.

A couple of things that I want to share:

Dr. Burns was recognized this week by a local news station for a leadership award for her work with KD.

Yesterday CNN reported that they may have found a virus that triggers or causes KD. - the information is still new, and we are not to get "excited" about it yet.. but it means that doctors may be a step closer to figuring out the whole thing.

For those of you who may not be up to speed on KD and want to become more informed - please visit

Thursday, January 20, 2005

I stunk up my office with lean cuisine fish

I’m officially OVER the South Beach Diet. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I long for a bag of slip my hand into it’s multi-colored foil and lick the extra cheese salt off my fingers, oh heaven! I’m pining for a bowl of cereal – not even Captain Crunch or Coco Puffs, but Rice Crispies or Grape Nuts. And I think I would do about anything for a slice of pizza and big mug o’ beer at this moment.

Since Jan. 1st, I have not eaten:
Cookies, candy, pie or ice cream. No baguette bread dipped in a yummy oil sauce. No pasta, no French fries, no chips with salsa. No lasagna or gnocchi or mac n’ cheese. None of Lucas’ goldfish crackers (not a one I tell you!). No tortillas, no burritos, no clam chowder soup!

I’m so sick of nuts and meat I can’t tell you. My carb free lean cuisine lunch of fish and broccoli stank so bad I had to move my trash can outside.

I want to drown myself in a big bowel of angel hair pasta at this point.

If you live outside of So. Cal, you are going to hate me for this one

Okay – while I’m really glad that rain that kept us all locked inside glued to our TV’s watching “storm watch 2005” on the news is over, I was not prepared for SUMMER yet. It was 87 degrees at the airport yesterday. It’s MID JANUARY, Folks!! It’s not supposed to be almost 90 degrees!

Know, for those of you stuck in the snow someplace, you may be cursing me under your breathe at the moment.. but hear me out! 80 degrees in January is NOT A GOOD THING, and here is why:

1) For the most part, everyone just got new clothes for Christmas/Hannukah. We got items that we had been wishing for and couldn’t wait to wear and have only worn ONCE. But wait! We CAN’T wear them now because what type of Jackass wears a turtleneck sweater and boots in the "summer"?

2) We are pasty ass white. It rained more in December and early January than it did in the past 3 years combined. We’ve been inside or under umbrellas. Have you ever tried to put on shorts when your legs have been covered for the past 3 months! HORROR! I’m not even talking about the fact that you ate too many mashed potatoes or had one too many slices of pecan pie over the holidays and that you shouldn’t be wearing shorts anyway, I’m talking about the chalky almost bluish color of white that your legs are in mid-January. At least by summer you have been gradually introduced back into shorts by cropped pants and then Capri pants in the spring. But the sudden exposure to shorts is quite frightful.

3) You can’t tan.. you go outside and your fat white legs turn to red sausages. Yes, you can opt for the tanning booth route, but then when you walk around with a tan that looks like you just returned from a week in Hawaii (and you didn’t) everyone knows you fake baked it.

4) Murphy’s Law – It’s only 87 degrees out on Wednesdays.. right SMACK in the middle of the work week. You get excited, start making elaborate weekend plans that include the beach and just being outside. And BAM! It cools down and the marine layer moves in once again.

But I will say this, the hills are really green and the first of the wildflowers have started popping up. It will be a beautiful spring – that is, if the blazing sun doesn’t burn it all away first.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005


This morning I woke up with hives on my neck and wrists. No clue what from, but they itched like a mother fucker. Then they nicely went away. Then this morning during a meeting I felt this itch forming right on my left boob. I tried to ignore it – I was in a meeting after all and couldn’t just reach in and scratch myself. Thanks to my new padded bra that I had to purchase due to the fact the my baby did manage to suck the life out of my once perky and quite fetching ‘rack’, I couldn’t even just pretend I was adjusting my shirt and get in a quick scratch. No – the 3 inches of padding was protecting that itch from the outside world. Only a full on reach in the bra scratch would do.

So I go to lunch and all during lunch continue to get itchier and itchier.. now its in my arm pits.. and behind my knees..

But I was smart this morning! Well, a little smart.. I brought cortisone with me to work, but alas, did not bring Benedryl. ((CRY)). So I go into the bathroom, rip off my shirt and discover these horrid raised bumps all over my upper arms and arm pits (GASP!). Much to the horror of my co-worker I start slathering on the ointment (don’t you just love that word? Oint-ment.. the word alone makes my skin crawl). Then I have another meeting.. ½ way through I get them on the palms of my hands. OH MY GOD – do you know the pain I am in?! I want to tear at them with my fingernails or better yet, a hairbrush – but I can’t because that is just SO WRONG to do during a meeting!!

Today has turned into a day of hell. What did I eat to develop this horrible irritation? Is it the weather? Why am I being punished just because Mother Nature decides that it’s okay to be flipping 80 degrees in the middle of January?!

Just one more hour.. one more hour until I can go home and chase a benedryl down with a glass of chardonnay before going at my skin with something hard and plastic with pointy ends and soaking in a hot tub… only one more hour!!

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Things That You Only Realize Once You Become a Mother – Part One

You know when you pick-up your dry cleaning and its all neatly tucked away in those clear plastic bags that read “THIS IS NOT A TOY”? Well, before having Lucas I remember looking at those bags and thinking “What idiot would let their child play with a plastic bag?”

Well, wouldn’t you know it.. Plastic bags are apparently as good as a day a Disneyland for babies. Lucas crawls at light speed to the open closet when he sees one hanging in there. And if they are lying discarded on the bed while Mommy is putting on freshly laundered shirts, its better than Christmas. And do you know what my first thought is as I’m running 10 minutes late and frantically trying on my 15th outfit of the morning? “Good, he’s quiet for a moment..”


Now I see why they have those reminders on the plastic bags, not for the trailer park trash moms who can’t afford real toys because they spent all their ‘government cheese’ on cigarettes.. but for the busy working moms who need just 5 minutes of “quiet time” in the mornings when they are desperately trying to figure out which outfit hides the post pregnancy tummy pooch best on that particular morning after drinking too much wine the night before and somehow allowing herself to believe that it was okay to sit and eat sunflower seeds for an hour because at least she wasn’t eating dessert and hey, sunflower seeds are okay on the South Beach Diet.

It’s either the plastic bag or turning on the Boobahs. And since they’ve come out and said that TV for children under 2 may lead to ADD, and no research has been done on the lasting effects that creepy, dancing Zing Zing Zing Bah will have on children’s precious little minds, I figure that the plastic bag is at least helping with his hand eye coordination.

Come on, admit it. I do a have a point there. And if you disagree, then you have obviously never seen the Boobahs.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Bi-Polar Me

This weekend at my friend’s wedding, her ex-boyfriend from high school was there. I had not seen this guy for about 13 years, but we were chatting and catching up. Turns out he in advertising and his BIG account is headquarted in San Diego. This company that he works for is one of the largest in town. I’ve only applied to their marketing and PR positions like 20 times since I got out of college 8 years ago. So I tell him this, and he says “Oh, I’m really good friends with the VP of Marketing – do you want me to forward on your resume to him?”

Oh no. Here we go again.

Fans.. “Let’s get ready to RUMMMMBBLLLEEE! In this corner with over 8 years of climbing various corporate ladders and a love for very expensive jeans and diaper bags is “CAREER BETH”. And in the other corner, with after only 10 months under her belt wants to do nothing but playgroups and story time is “MOMMY BETH”.

ACK. Having dropped down to only 30 hours a week and 3 days in the office, I thought that I had ended this battle at least for the moment! Now, a chance to have a good job with a good company and make GOOD MONEY… we could finally buy a house.. we could get a new car.. I can buy the $172 True Religion jeans that I’ve been obsessing over!! But then there is little Lucas and the great fun that we have going to playgroups, and the extra time I get to spend with JUST him, cuddling him and watching him turn into this cool little person. Then there is the looming cost of pre-school. Then there is baby #2 and doing all of this all over again.

Did I work this hard before Lucas to get where I am today to just give it all up? Or did I work this hard all these years to prepare myself for this special time with my child?

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Dr. Elizabeth Testa Posted by Hello

26 Bobby Pins

This weekend I was the matron of honor in my best friend from high school's wedding. It's quite an interesting experience to be standing there, watching someone that you've known since before either of you were even driving, pledging her love to someone. I've been a bridesmaid a few times - but they were all friends from college. That's a different story - those are your friends that you met as somewhat adults - you were already kind of the person that you would end up. The changes made from 20 years on are tweaks in life - a tweak in your career path, a tweak in your ideas on life. But when you can say that you have known someone for 1/2 of your life - you have seen that person through many major changes.

Eli and I met at Sea Camp on Catalina Island. Sea Camp is pretty much the Space Camp equivalent for teenagers with dreams of being a marine biologist or dolphin trainer at SeaWorld. Eli and I bonded over our love of anything with a Dolphin and boys. We went through a lot together, boyfriends, college, etc. To put it simply, we've seen each other change from girls to women.

So standing there, watching her happiness exude as she stood under the huppah and pledged her love for Marc.. well, it was something that I have never felt before. She probably felt it 4 1/2 years ago when I married Jason.. but even if she tried to explain it to me at the time, I would have never have understood it. It was an amazing feeling - one that I hope everyone gets to feel at one point.

The purple bridesmaid dress, the 26 bobby pins holding my elaborate hair do in place - all the things you concentrate on leading up to the moment... nothing in comparison to the actual event.

Eli and Marc - I love you both and wish you all the happiness in the world..

Thursday, January 13, 2005

No, we did not cut our child's hair into a Mohawk. If we were that strange, don' t you think we would also dye it purple? Posted by Hello

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful

Do you ever have times when you wished that you were totally different? I don't mean your life or job or house, But do you wish your personal body and self were different?

I had a lunch meeting today with a woman that totally made me feel this way. She's the new marketing person for this *HUGE* corp. in town. She's been with the co. for 7 years, but out of one of their other offices, so she's new to the area. She was 30 minutes late, so my first reaction was to hate her because that was 30 minutes of waiting that had to be done with the bread basket sitting not 5 inches away from my finger tips. 30 minutes of the inner monologue about how good I've been on the south beach diet, I've already lost 4 lbs and need to keep with it, and reminders of the Victorian lilac, satin matron of honor dress that I must don in just 2 days.

Then she pulled up in a Hummer H2 and my hate moves to level 2, because a) those cars are so big and slightly obnoxious and b) they are SO DAMN HOT. So, here's the thing - She's beautiful. Like the model Giselle (if Gise actually ate a hamburger once in a while and wasn't starving African child skinny) beautiful.. That effortless, natural "I just threw on this sweater and didn't even blow dry my hair today!" beautiful. The type of beautiful that makes everyone else immediately feel short, fat and shlepy.

Her parents are British, she grew up in Brazil, worked for Nike, lived in Mexico City, got her MA from this business school.. She even had the DOG of my dreams (a wonderful Burnese Mtn. dog who loves to play with her 2 kids). And she was genuinely nice to boot.

Every anxiety, every self conscious thought that I have on a regular basis, everything I am and everything I battle with on a daily basis, immediately surfaced because this woman was the "dream me". She is what I always envisioned myself to be like..Classy, sweet, great career, totally sane working mom who's got it all together and even likes to work out. All the things that I keep telling myself are an impossible package - she was.

She even eats pasta.

I don't think she should be allowed to exsist. Yet, at the same time I want to be her new best friend.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

"Everybody's Smiling, Prozac Day!" or My obsession with pharmaceuticals

So after the Desperate Housewife episode where the Felicity Huffman character starts popping her son's ritalin to become a "perfect mom", all the TV News shows had these stories about mom's across the nation taking their child's ADD medications. Apparently its an epidemic (who knew?). So the news anchor is talking about these women like they are coke whores selling their bodies on the street for a fix. The talk about the "stealing of their child's medication" and "caught in a vicious cycle of the drug".. Then they talk about what the drug does to you..
"When taken by an adult, ritalin will give you energy, make you more alert, help your concern and you will loose tons of weight."

Um, and is this a bad thing?!

Let's see now.. Mom's with small children are a) exhausted b) gave birth to their brains along with their children and c) MOST LIKELY are not their skinny toned self that they were before bearing children and lack the above mentioned energy and brain power to work out and eat right.

I can't understand how this is a problem?! Well, yes.. You should not take medication not prescribed to you.. But this seems like a miracle drug! I think that it should be prescribed by doctors for all mothers just to help them through their day to day lives!

So now, I've been obsessing over it. Taking the online quizzes "Do you have Adult onset ADD?" and wondering if should ask my doctor about it. Maybe they will prescribe it for me! Hey, it's a lot cheaper than ordering it from one of the 100 Canadian pharmacy spam emails I get DAILY.

Then the other day I saw another news program (Yes, the first thing that you will learn about is that I watch entirely way too much TV. There is a god, and her name is TiVo) and they were talking about what's new in pharmaceuticals for 2005. *Please note, the show was on, I did not watch the show just to see this report.* One of the new drugs seeking FDA approval this year is this drug that was originally manufactured to help people stop smoking, but has a fabulous side effect of turing off the "hungry button" in your brain (like my description - real technical, I know). So then I started plotting.. hmmm.. maybe I should start smoking again so that I can tell my doctor that I need to stop and get this prescription!

So, I apparently have an addiction to the "thought" of pharmaceuticals. Is there something I can take for that?