Monday, February 28, 2005

This week last year...

This week I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this week last year. What I was doing, what I was feeling what things were like when I was 35 lbs heavier and had a human being growing inside of me. A little 6 lb 4 oz human that a year later would be a walking, babbling 25 pounder with a love of balloons and balls.

I was thinking about last year on Oscar day. We were taking a hiatus from the annual “Pizza and Champagne” Foster Oscar Party since the Fosters had in-laws in town and both Kelly and I were preggers and unable to partake in the champagne portion of the evening. In a fit of “ohmygodthebabyisalmosthereandtheroomisn’t100%perfect” panic, Jason and I headed to Ikea for some last minute things. Of course, since we were out, I needed to eat. So we went to Islands for burgers and we sat in the bar area and I could barely balance on the higher barstool chairs. Then I schlepped something down my shirt and over my belly. Not a surprise, this was my “spot.” EVERY shirt I owned had a stain right there, at the top of my belly. It was a catchall. And not being able to get within 3 ft of the table you were sitting at because of the gigantic protrusion of your midsection didn’t help. Then I ran into an old co-worker that I hadn’t seen since becoming preggo and was completely embarrassed by the huge mess I was at that moment. AND I MEAN HUGE.

these are the pictures that Jason didn't want you to see Posted by Hello

look at that belly Posted by Hello

If we were taking it week by week, it was a year ago today (Monday was March 1st) that I waddled into my doctors office so bloated and large that 3 new stretch marks had appeared over night and my maternity clothes no longer fit, to find that my blood pressure had gone up more, the unbelievably painful procedure of “stripping my membrane” that took place last week did NO good at all, and that I was about to be sent the hospital to have a baby.

Just like that. “You’re going in tonight for an induction.”

No water breaking, no timing of contractions and walking around the block. No calling Jason at work and saying “It’s time – get your ass home.” I was being sent in to medically have this child evicted from my body. A medical intervention that he did not take nicely to, forcing the nice doctors to have to cut me open and manually extract him from my uterus after just a few hours into the “induction.”

The whole experience was surreal. It was a flurry of activity and them BAM! We were officially parents.

One year later the memory of huffing and puffing around Ikea that day, the feel of all that extra weight strapped to my belly, the back pain, the inability to sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time without having to get up to pee or rearrange the “pillow fort” of strategically placed cushions on my side of the bed is fading. But the feeling that washed over me the moment they placed that tiny, perfect infant in my arms for the first time – a feeling I can’t even begin to explain or put into words – That feeling isn’t going away.. and hopefully it never will.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

First Birthday Posted by Hello

10 Things I learned about first birthday parties

1) Order balloons in advance. There is a good chance that everyone else in the city you live in may also be in need of balloons on the ONE day that you need them.

2) Party City and Longs Drugs are tied for the “2005 Stupidest Employees That Make Me Want To Jump Over The Counter And Smack Them Award”

3) 24 latex and 5 mylar balloons really don’t fit in Nissan Xterras

4) One year olds will cry throughout most of their parties while the other kids are playing and having fun

5) Give the birthday child a bowl of ice cream at the beginning of the party (not at the end). This way it dulls any teething pain that they may be having and it gives them a nice sugar high for the party when other people are around to watch and play with them – and not after when all you really want to do is lie on the couch and finish a bottle of wine.

6) Hundreds of dollars of new toys are not ½ as much fun as the same pots and pans that they have been pulling out of the cupboards for the past 4 weeks.

7) Don’t bother getting your one year old a b-day present. Instead get him/her that plastic bucket toy organizer from Target.

8) You WILL spend more money than you think you will.

9) If you are the mother of the new one year old – you will cry at least once during the party.

10) It will be one of those amazing events in life that you will never forget, and you will tear up thinking about the next day…

Wednesday, February 23, 2005


So we had a thunderstorm last night. THUNDER people. We get this like once a decade. Unfortunately it hit at 2 am. Not sure what really woke me – the thundering crash, or the baby…but not the human baby as you may initially think.. our furry baby.

Our already anxious dog was thrown over the edge by the rumbling and immediately jumped into bed with us and buried his face within the pillows. Then he jumped down, then at the next thunder, up again. This lasted for about an hour.

Yes it was cute, and it makes you go "oohh!", but I had to wake up at 5:15 so this made me want to cry. I also wanted to console fur baby because the LAST thing I needed was for him to bark and wake up human baby. Then I would have really cried.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

What Keeps You Up At Night?


That’s the problem with California, we get rain and the whole state falls apart – literally. The rain forced us to spend our 3-day weekend inside, which sucked. Yesterday after I feared Jason was totally going to start poking his eyes with chopsticks after another day of me watching back-to-back episodes of Project Runway, I talked him into getting out of the house and into the mall. HAHA (a win for Beth!)

So Lucas’ first birthday party is this Saturday. Lots of pictures – this is a momentous occasion! Since I’m not thrilled with my body (and am mourning being able to use the excuse “I just had a baby”) and I couldn’t find time this week to get my hair color done, I’m DAMN WELL GOING to get a new something to wear. But what?! Banana had a cute shirt – but I’m sure it will be on sale in 2 weeks, and Express had cute jeans in the same style as THE BEST BLACK PANTS EVER – but what to get?! I couldn’t go to sleep last night debating this issue. Fuck Iran and Nuclear Weapons! Screw the People whose houses are falling into 30 ft. sinkholes – WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR TO MY CHILD’S BIRTHDAY PARTY?!

Sometimes I’m very glad that I’m not a celebrity or executive that anyone would think to ask “What keeps you up at night?” to… how embarrassing to say “clothes”?! Then I begin to wonder, maybe clothes DO keep them up at night.. the difference is that they are usually smart enough not to say it out loud.

I just wonder if on Saturday night before a morning appearance on Meet the Press if Condie Rice ever spends 2 hours going through her wardrobe trying to come up with an outfit that is stylish and flattering, yet says “powerful woman leader”?

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Questions from Libby

As you may have noticed, I've been playing along with the Questions Game .
Libby asked me for questions, and so I returned and asked her for some - here are my answers.

1)Which gift card would you choose: $500 at Sacks or $1500 at Walmart? Why?
$500 to Saks, WAY more fun than Walmart. To be honest, I hate Walmart. Had you said Target, I may have thought about it for more than 2 seconds. I never shop at Saks, and unfortunately, $500 wouldn't get me to far. But it would get me my $200 jeans that I've been obsessing over.. that and a shirt and maybe a lipstick.

2)If you had to go on a reality tv show today which would you go on? Which would you go on if you were still single? Why?
Nothing where I would have to eat anything gross. I can't even watch some of those shows without retching. I'm totally into Project Runway at the moment. Really at this very moment. I watched 4 hours of back to back episodes today. But considering I can't sew, I would be off the first day. Ahh.. if I were single. I would love to be able to say that I would never degrade myself by going on some lame show to find love, but i would be a total hypocrite. See.. back in college, I was a contestant on the "All New Dating Game." I tried out for it as a favor for my friend, and was chosen to be one of 3 bachlorettes. Let me dispel the myth now - all those shows are SCRIPTED. They give you roles to play and tell you what to say. I was the "flirt" and was made to say obnoxious things like "I have a dolphin tattoo, and if you are lucky, maybe I'll you squeak my dolphin." Yes, yes... not the highlight of feminism. And you know what - I was chosen. This dorky Elvis wanna-be actually chose me to go on a date to Graceland with him. I had to stop myself from throwing up in my mouth. No, I didn't go. I was 22 and a trip to Memphis with a 19-year old with sideburns was not on my agenda. My saving grace? I LOOKED HOT. I totally embarrassed myself, but it doesn't matter because I was skinny and my hair looked great. ;-)
Hey, If you get to have 15 minutes, its better to have them on a good hair day.

3)What character trait is most important for you to instill in your son?
To be nice to the ladies. I don't want to raise a jerk who doesn't call after a date, no matter how bad it was. And the ability to dance. I've been told as the mother to a white boy, it's my responsibility to make sure he can groove, and I agree 100%.

4)Boobs or no boobs at Mardi Gras? Beach in Mexico?
Boobs in general or my boobs? Because really, no matter how drunk anyone is, I really don't think that anyone wants to see my boobs these days. Before pregnancy/nursing maybe, these days.. I'd have to give out beads to guys who'd let me flash them.

5)You're in a hotel room in Vegas with a bunch of Jason's buddies, 2 female strippers, 2 male strippers, and your last ex-boyfriend; Jason is not there. You've all been drinking all day. The game begins: your ex's question to you: truth or dare? What do you choose if you have to be truthful or follow through on the dare.
TRUTH. But I think the real question is what the hell am I doing in a hotel room with male strippers and Jason's buddies? Is there something that someone isn't telling me???


We are officially walking now.

For the past few weeks it has been a step, 3 steps there and a lot of "OH, LOOK!" on our part. But this evening, Lucas finally put all the pieces together as he strolled from the kitchen into the living room. Like it was nothing.

Next Saturday is Lucas' first birthday party and Wednesday the 2nd of March is his actual birthday. One year. 365 days of parenthood. I was going to post a picture of me from last year this weekend, when Jason took artsy naked belly pictures of me, but I was told that those were "personal" pictures. Jason has some fear that the picture might end up on some pregnant nudie fetish website. The thought of that made me laugh out loud, then recoil in disgust as the image started to form in my head.

Luck vs. Guilt

This weekend was the International Kawasaki Disease Symposium here in San Diego. It was quite a “coincidence” (one that I would have rather not really had, but..) that this was being held here in town just 2 months after we went through this with Lucas. (If you want to read more about our experience, read Jason’s post on it HERE) Yesterday was the Parents Symposium, where the KD Foundation invited all parents interested to come together hear doctors and researchers talk about what advances are going on with KD and new research findings.

So, what did we learn? What was the main thing that we walked away with? That we were so fucking incredibly lucky that we live in San Diego and that brought Lucas into Children’s hospital when we did.

I felt the presentations were somewhat high-level, and when the pediatric cardiologist spoke – I had NO CLUE what he was he was talking about. I spent much of the time wondering if the other parents in the room were thinking the same thing that I was, until we got to the question and answer portion. These other parents got up and asked specific questions that sounded as if they themselves were doctors. It wasn’t until the happy hour portion of the evening that we truly understood why.

These parents were living my ultimate nightmare. They were the “worst case scenarios” of KD.

The first couple we talked to were from Florida. Their son, now 5, was diagnosed with KD at 3 after being sick for a month. By the time they caught it, he has massive aneurysms all over his heart and will for the rest of his life.

The second couple we spoke to were from Texas. They were bright and seemed happy. They were there because they had lost their 14 week old baby Luke to KD just a few months ago. When they said that, I audibly gasped and my eyes filled with tears. I had to drink about ½ of my glass of wine to stop myself from breaking down and sobbing for them.

Their 3 month old baby came down with a fever and red lips. They went to pediatrician and the hospital and the after hours urgent care over the 3 weeks Luke was sick, each time the doctors telling them that he was fine, just a virus and making them feel like over paranoid first time parents. Luke’s fever finally went down and he seemed better, until he had a massive heart attack that killed him. It wasn’t until after he died that they realized that he was suffering from KD.

He was 14 WEEKS OLD. He DIED of a heart attack.

I don’t know how they were there, walking around, telling their story. She told me that when it all happened her friends kept saying that they would die, that would be it if they were in her shoes. Her response was “Great, so my only option is just to kill myself?”

People asked me how I dealt with Lucas being in the hospital, and I always say that you just do. You just deal and you get a little help from your friend Mr. Xanex.

Jason and I left the parents happy hour with a strange mixture of guilt and relief. Relief and thankfulness that we walked into that hospital and just happened to have one of best KD doctors in the county, that we caught this disease right when we needed to. And the guilt - the guilt of being so lucky…

Friday, February 18, 2005

The totally inappropriate work conversation

We have a new “email marketing system” at work. I put it in “quotes” b/c really, it allows us to spam people. No, not really.. we send them email information about things that they have technically signed up to receive. So this transition has caused much talk around the office on the topic of SPAM, an HR person’s nightmare of a conversation in the workplace (sorry Jay!) and a very blonde moment from yours truly.

It started off because yesterday we were discussing ways to avoid being caught in SPAM filters, and the cute web girls that I mentioned in yesterday’s post told us that anything in the subject that resembles anything sex-like will be caught. IE – anything with 3 x’s (XXX), using the word HOT, etc.

So this morning I’m checking my junk box and like a flipping nail in the head, it hit me – THAT’S WHY THE SPAMMERS MISSPELL EVERYTHING! D’oh!

I used to think, sure – like I would buy drugs from the idiot who types “Vi..arga ch%p” in the subject line. But now I realize that they do that on purpose to get through the filters… Ooooohhhhhh..

My main mistake was actually verbalizing this train of thought as I was riding it. *Note to self – must learn to keep mouth shut!* When I made this statement this morning, my office mate swore she could see the light bulb turning on over my head. Yes, the peroxide and bleach (along with my 5 years of college) have fizzled the fragile cells of my brain.

So after this statement the conversation moved on to the various SPAMs we receive on a daily basis such as “Lonely Housewife in your area” and “Increase the amount of your CUMMMM”… HHMMMM.. Increase the amount of your cum.. really? REALLY?! This totally stumped us and left us all pondering the question:

Are there men out there that think that having more *ahem* “secretions” actually turns women on?

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Who Wants Questions? Vol. 2

Just wanted to let you all know that while it was slow to start, the questions game is now on a roll..

If you are not following it, you can see where we are under the comments section for last Friday’s posting. That is also where you can see the questions to Jason and Libby.. and follow the yellow brick road to their blogs to see their answers.

Still looking for more takers… anyone, anyone? Bueller?

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Why is it that…

1) Why is it that it is harder for me to get dressed casually than nicely for work?? When I have a meeting or an event for work, I know what I have to put on. My *BLACK PANTS*, my heels and a choice of the shirts currently in heavy rotation that is clean and best hides the belly pouch on that day. But when faced with a casual day, ALL HELL BRAKES LOOSE in my closet. My boss is in Cannes for business (yea, nice, huh?) and the only meeting that we had today was with our website team (and by nature they are very casual – not to mention very cool. We like them ladies.), so my outfit today was OPEN RANGE. Do I want to totally bum it in my Juicy sweat outfit (b/c, you know - a $160 sweat suit is totally “bumming it”). Do I want to wear jeans and a t and my new sparkly shoes? Or what about my pancho? Maybe I want to wear my UGG Clogs?! AGH!!!

30 minutes later I’m wearing just jeans and t. I didn’t change my earrings and I forgot to eat breakfast over my frantic outfit changes and THIS is all I came up with?! Ugh. Then I got to work and my co-worker was wearing the $175 jeans that I’ve been lusting over. :-( ((SIGH))

2) Why is it that after 8 years in the business world I still slip and say things I shouldn’t?! We were in our meeting with aforementioned “cool web girls” and I was telling them about how I used this new program that they were helping us with to “shut this one evil bitch up.” (name of evil bitch will NOT be included here – I’m not THAT stupid. And no, it’s not my boss or anyone in my office). Anyway, since they were helping me with the procedures I needed to take to do said shutting, they knew the name of the evil wench who on numerous occasions have made my life at work a living hell, and guess what? THEY KNEW HER.


Once they admitted to knowing her, they acted like they sympathized with me and also knew that she is really Hitler and Saddam’s genetically mutated love child, but they were smarter than me, and kept their opinions to themselves.

Additionally, one of the cool web chicks is cute little lesbian, and we think the EVIL BITCH WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED is also a lesbian (and not a cute one) and I was JUST DYING to ask the cute one if she knew either way if the EVIL one was a lezzie also.

But alas, I had let my professionalism slip enough for one day.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

"Mom, it's not cute. It's a statement"

While many parents get to experience the joy of the first bath time Mohawk at a much earlier age, us and our follicly challengend son got to experience the fun at 11.5 months. Posted by Hello

Little Heartbreaker

Lovasaurus Rex - Valentine's Day 2005
Watching the Walrus' at SeaWorld. Thank God none of them were doing anything NASTY
like Walrus' tend to do. Lucas is WAY to young to learn about masturbation. And when he does learn about it, I really hope its not from a 3,000 lb marine mammal that also likes to pee in his own mouth. Oh, you think I jest? I'm SERIOUS - The sight of walrus self love is enough to scar any young impressionable mind FOR LIFE. Posted by Hello

ADIDAB - All Day I Dream About Blog

Well, not so much “dream” but think. This is how my brain works. I think about things and I think of what I would write to describe whatever is I’m thinking or seeing. The thing is – I do this ALL THE TIME. It’s like the inside of my head is a narration. Like I’m doing a voice over for the movie of my life. AND WHAT A BORING MOVIE THAT WOULD BE.

Speaking of movies…One of the perks of growing up in LA or living in LA is that you are destined to know someone in “the biz.” And everyone in awhile that someone gets movies on DVD “for consideration” of some award and you get to watch movies that are currently in the theatres from the comfort of your own home. Or the comfort of your parent's home.

For Jason and I this is a great way to play catch-up on some of the movies we have missed out on in the theatres. Every year for the Oscars, we get together with our group of friends for a night of champagne and pizza and celebrity ‘dissing. Each year, we also do a contest predicting the winners. Well, as you may have guessed, I AM THE REIGNING CHAMPION. I somehow even manage to guess the obscure documentaries correctly. Well, this year my title was in jeopardy due to the lack of movies that I have seen. But with this little “help”, we’ve been able to catch a few movies, prompting us to be able to have converational topics with non-baby people again.

Yes, we are the envy of all our friends with babies.

So, this weekend we watched 3 movies at home and then I saw one at the theatre. At home were Closer, Spanglish and Ordinary Heroes. And, NONE OF THEM NEEDED TO BE SEEN IN THE THEATRE.

Closer was much raunchier than I expected. A real “thinking” movie that’s point is that no matter how well you think you know someone, you really don’t and they are probably lying to you and cheating on you and you don’t even realize it. A real uplifting valentine’s movie…

Spanglish was cute for the first hour – the second HOUR AND A HALF dragged on with no apparent point or real direction. The only funny character – the Drunk Mother. It seems that the Drunk Mothers are always the comic reliefs… REMEMBER THAT LUCAS.

Ordinary Heroes – SUCKED BALLS. No need to waste 2 hours of your life as we did on this POS. Enough said.

And Beth’s pick for BEST MOVIE OF THE WEEKEND (and possibly month!)…

Bride and Prejudice (the “bollywood” movie). Simply, it was cute and fun. The scenes were full of color and they danced and sang and ate food that looked so good you left with a craving for curry and a hankering to run out and buy an orange sari to wear around. (how hot would that be?!) The girl in it Aishwarya Rai is just BEAUTIFUL. Yes, it’s a little hokey – but that’s part of it. 5 Stars on the beth-o-meter.

Just put it this way. The movie inspired me to cook Jason a curry chicken for dinner last night. YES. I cooked. A MEAL.

The last movie that inspired me to do anything was Sideways, and it just inspired me to drink more wine. HA. Like I really needed the inspiration…

Friday, February 11, 2005

Who Wants Questions?!

Ya’ know those email forwards that you only have gotten at least once a week as long as you have an email address? Well, this guy who’s blog Jason reads regularly, Mr. Hibbity Gibbity (, is trying to start a new blog version of this generation’s game of written fun.

No emailing it to everyone you know, and trying to guess “Who will be the first to respond and “Who won’t reply at all?” – This is blog style, baby. And, always one to hop on what could be a cool trend, I’m playing along.

Here’ the story from Mr. Gibbity himself:

“ok, so apparently either "blogging" isn't en vogue and I missed the memo, or all the authors of the blogs that I visit have died in some freakish, blog-related incident, because most haven't updated in over a week.I need my fix people. I'm suffering serious withdraw here. Don't hold back your wit, sarcasm and/or narcissistic tendencies. It's those brief glimpses into your minds that helps get me through the day.*sigh*Now I'm forced to dust off a relic of blogdom - the interview game.Official Rules for the Interview Game1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. I will answer reasonable follow up questions if you leave a comment.

So, Jason emailed homeboy Gibb and got his set of questions. Read Jason’s always bizarre answers here:

Notice that “Jenny” posted under the comments section on Jay's blog that she wanted to play. (HEY JAY?! Who the fuck is “Jenny” and why is she posting on my husband’s blog?!), and Jason asked her questions which, if played properly, she should post on her blog, then people can ask for her to ask questions, they post on their answers to her questions on their blogs and circle of life continues until all Simba’s relatives die off due to the overpopulation of homo erectus and the decrease of animal reservations in Africa.

So, I jumped on the bandwagon and here are my questions and my answers to Jason’s questions….

1. How do you explain your skyrocketing popularity?
I flashed my boobs once… and my readers just keep coming back in hopes of seeing the girls again.

2. What is the stupidest pop song ever written, and when you answer this how will you keep that song from running an endless loop in your mind?
Does it have to be a pop song? I have this problem with TV Commercial jingles. I can’t remember the last time I actually ate a slice of pizza when the flippin’ bagel bites “Pizza in the morning, Pizza in the evening, Pizza at supper time (dah-da!) when Pizza’s on a Bagel – You can eat Pizza at any time!” running through my head. Now it’s going through my head! Egh. That was a trick question wasn’t it?! Damn you!

3. What is the worst possible name you could give a boy?
Hyman. And we could have – it was Jason’s Jewish Grandfather’s name. Yup.

4. Quien es mas macho - Chris Judd o Kevin Federline?
Ohhh… that’s a hard one..They both look hot in wife beaters, neither one of them could actually afford the ring that was their wives “engagement” rings, and I think both of them danced in Club Wed commercial for Target (And you know I have a thing for Target dancers)… But let’s see. I will have to go with Judd. Just because he didn’t leave his 7-month pregnant with his SECOND child girlfriend for J Lo. Plus, everyone knows that curvy, latina J Lo is WAY hotter than trailer park trash Brit.

5. When our kid drops out, becomes an acid freak and follows the remnants of the Grateful Dead around the country, how much money do you think we'll get when we sue the wackos who are responsible for "Boobah"?
Please, if this was really the case, our biggest problem would be you wanting to join Lucas in the stinky VW bus, boring all of Lucas’ friends with tales of the Phish concerts you went to in the 90’s.

Okay Kiddos – Your Turn.

Who Wants Questions?!

The child’s equivalent of a dog park

So after a morning of being confined to the indoors with a shrieking 11-month old and a stir crazy dog, I decided that Lucas and I were heading out. Now San Diego is not “built” for the rain. There are probably 4 activities in the city that you can do when weather conditions are less than perfect..because really, there are so few days that are less than perfect, why bother creating in door activities? Ask any Diegian and they will tell you, when it rains, you hole up in your house because you have a good excuse to. When it’s 70 degrees in February you can’t in good conscious have a PJ day.. you feel guilty. Our weather people make a point of going over all the freezing temperatures and feets of snow that the rest of the country has, so unless you are horrendously hung-over or so ill that you cannot be more than 3 ft from the bathroom at all times, you feel obligated to go outside to make up for all the poor schmoes in the Midwest. But I digress, staying in your PJ’s all day looses it charm after the 20th time that I had to wrestle the remote control out of Lucas’ hand.

Thus, we ventured out to a place that I had only recently heard of - a place call Kidsville.

Oh, how to begin to describe Kidsville… It’s in a big industrial park complex, so it’s this vast space with all different play areas/houses like a fire station, dress up “theater”, beauty shop, vet’s office, pirate ship, etc. There is a “road” that runs in a big circle around some tables and chairs for the “elders” (i.e. anyone over 5) and I swear that I was almost mowed down at least 4 separate times by the same husky 4-year old driving a big wheel.

There was also a special corner just for babies. In theory at least. Do you think that Lucas wanted ANYTHING to do with the padded area with toys just for him? Not at all. Lucas wanted to play with the big kids… and he was off. Screw “babyville”, Lucas was holding his own, crawling back and forth across the drawbridge that lead to the pirate ship. He crawled from playhouse to playhouse, checking out the scene and grabbing toys where ever he could as the older kids raced by in various costumes screaming at each other.

The best part about this place were the moms…They were all grouped together in their little groups talking or reading books or magazines while their children ran around in circles. In wild, chaotic, shrieking circles. Some were gossiping about other mommies that they know (“She’s a stay at home mom WITH a full time Nanny, can you believe it?”) and some actually pulled out their laptops to get some work done. There were the moms in ill fitting jeans and what looked like their old maternity t-shirts, and there were the moms dressed in perfect little SHAM outfits of furry boots, fitted sweaters (with boobs WAY too nice to have ever had kids) and hairdo’s. But almost all of them had one thing in common – they were not paying any attention to their offspring.

I say it was like the dog park, because these kids all acted like the way that dogs do when they are free of the restraint of their leashes. Running at full speed and acting in ways that they are never allowed to act when being directed and controlled by their masters. They were FREE, they could PLAY and just let go of all that energy that built up while they were at home and being “good.”

This place was pure blissful insanity. When I was telling my friend Marcy (Wow! 2 mentions in ONE WEEK – Go Marcy!) about this place she said that she had been to a place like that up in Orange County. I must give her credit for summing the whole place up the best.

All she said was “Those places need a bar for the Moms.”

Rain Rain Go Away or My Morning, A Pictorial

When it's like this outside, Posted by Hello

AND THIS, Inside.

Being stuck inside with a toddler who has recently figured out how to open the Xbox/DVD player and a wound up dog in need of walk is almost as fun as one of the circles of hell.
The only things I have said all morning is "No", "Don't put that in your mouth", "No Touch Please" and "Noo.. Nice to Mick."
Posted by Hello

YOU GET THIS Posted by Hello

YOU GET THIS Posted by Hello

Grandpapa has found a hose.. and by doing so has saved the sanity of THOUSANDS of parents worldwide

The woman who invented the Boobahs is second on my list of "Parenthood Gifts from God" - right after the inventor of the DVR that allows us to watch said Boobahs, not just when they are broadcasted, but at ANYTIME we need to. Yes, NEED to. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

SLEEP.. It's better than CATS!

One of my worst fears of parenthood at this point is Lucas suddenly not sleeping through the night. I know, I could be worried about developmental issues or autism, but no – I worry about lack of sleep. For all involved.

I hear stories of moms whose baby’s have never slept through the night and I don’t know how they do it. Really. One year without a full night’s sleep? That is my worst nightmare come true. Second to that are the babies that slept through the night for awhile, then decide one day that they don’t want to anymore. This happened to my friend Marcy, and she literally had to quit the job that she moved her family to San Diego for over it. And I don’t blame her ONE BIT.

We lucked out, Lucas started sleeping through the night at 5 weeks. It was a miracle, because I tell ya’, the novelty of getting up 2 times in the middle of the night to breastfeed was wearing very thin. I couldn’t really sleep because I knew that in only 3 hours I would be awoken again, and sleep is like peeing – the more you have to concentrate on doing it, the harder it is to actually do. Then there are the half asleep / half awake psychotic episodes where you “snap to” to find yourself frantically pulling away the blankets and pillows because you are SURE that you have smothered the precious innocent little life that you fell asleep feeding, only to find him tucked neatly away in the bassinette next to your bed. (Yea – another one for the list of things no one tells you about!) Yet, you are wide awake in a state of semi-panic… and just about the time you get your exhausted self back to the point where you are about to fall asleep… well, its time to start the fun all over again.

Yes, yes..we are lucky. In fact, we are so lucky that Lucas is such a good sleeper that I *almost* don’t want another child because I’m positive that the next one will be a demon spawn from hell that will curse us with little to no sleep on a regular basis.

So last night around 11:45 PM, our little angel wakes up crying. I run in, stick the paci back in his mouth (yea – give that up, now?! Sure, buddy.) and get back into bed. He starts up again and we do the paci dance a few more times.. Finally Jason goes in there and is trying to calm him down, all the while I’m thinking “no, no no.. please make this a one time thing.. only tonight..”

So as Jason is shushing Lucas back to sleep, I’m having these delusions of being awoken every night from now on, rocking a crying baby and praying for sleep. I envision having to quit working even 3 days a week because it’s not possible on 3 hours of sleep. By this point I’m almost in a full on panic attack over NEVER BEING ABLE TO SLEEP AGAIN.

Turns out the munchkin peed through his diaper and was just miserable in his wet jammies. Jason (the winner of today’s father of the year award) changed him and brought him into bed with us for a quick cuddle. Within 10 minutes Lucas realized that a) there was no party going on that he was missing out on and b) he much preferred to be able to toss and turn to his little heart’s delight in his own bed.

Crisis averted.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

The most nervous Chihuahua of them all

After the encounter I had this morning, NO ONE can ever accuse me of talking too much again. And IF someone does – I will quickly point out that they have obviously never met the woman that I had to work with this morning.

Oh My God. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

Did you see Saturday night live this week? The one with STUPID Paris Hilton (how much longer until she OD’s and is found in a dumpster somewhere?!). Well, if you did see it, she had her little dog out with her for her monologue, and that little dog sat there and shaked and quivered like it was about to meet some fiery demise at any moment.


Only worse because this woman talked.. and talked.. and talked.. Just imagine if Paris’ Gucci clad rodent could actually speak.. what would little Tinkerbell really sound like?? THIS WOMAN. Like freakin’ nails on the chalk board. Not to mention, this woman had the IQ of a inbred Chihuahua also. After 5 minutes I wanted to throw her out the window for being so unbelievably moronic. I seriously considered crushing up one of my precious Xanex’s and spiking her vanilla latte just so she would SHUT THE FUCK UP for 2 minutes. Anxiety and nervous energy seeped out of this woman like puss on a cut blister. She was so high strung that she made me want to just curl up and take a nap. At one point she got up and went to the bathroom and talked to HERSELF the entire way to the bathroom and back.

To be honest, it was actually quite sad. But it was 7 am in the morning and the part of my brain that emits pity wasn’t awake yet.

Monday, February 07, 2005

One of the many things we love about Lucas

That he knows that when we come at him with a wet washcloth ready to rid his face of half eaten banana singing the music from Jaws that plays just before the massive Shark attacks and eats someone, he laughs hysterically.

That's OUR kid!

Maybe one day soon while we're toweling him off after a bath he will yell "Put the fuckin' lotion in the basket!" Ahh.. When that day comes we will know that we did our job as parents and effectively corrupted our child.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Wait - there is something on my HEAD Posted by Hello

Not so sure about these things Posted by Hello

Bird Boy

We took Lucas to the Wild Animal Park today. Even in the past few weeks, he's become more aware of the world around him and he was loving the park today.

The best was the Lorikeet Landing aviary - you can buy food and the feed the birds. As you can see - the birds are quite friendly.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

I am a certifiable nut job

So my mom kept telling me that I needed to get a belt. I don’t know why, but I really haven’t owned a belt in a few years for some strange reason. So on a big post Holiday shopping trip, I exchanged a sweater my mom bought me for 2 belts, a brown and a black. HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITHOUT THEM?! I’m not sure. I love my belts. To the point that I totally went off the black pants I have that don’t have belt loops. So a few weeks ago I bought a new pair of black pants (obviously with belt loops) and I’ve been living in them ever since – almost to the point of embarrassment. But really – HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITHOUT THEM?!

So I had on my beloved pants and belt today with a long sleeve black t-shirt with a green lace trimmed tank under (the lace part hung out under the black t-shirt, creating a nice contrast) and my favorite new black heels. I was so proud of myself because I even accessorized with long green earrings. Plus it was a pain free outfit to put together this morning, and I didn’t have to try on 4 outfits like normal. So it was starting off to be a good day.

Well, I get to work and stepped funny and put my heel right through the back of hem and pulled it out.


So since I felt ridiculous walking around with one unhemmed pant leg, I went home at lunch to change. And when I returned to work, I was in an almost 100% different outfit. My office mate looked at me and said “I thought it was just your pants that were the problem?” so I explained that my other black pants didn’t look right, so I decided to say fuck it and wear jeans for the rest of the day, the jeans and the t-shirt are cute together, but only with different shoes and then I’m looking too casual for work, so I changed my shirt also.

Now don’t get me wrong – she totally understood the entire reasoning behind my insanity. But that doesn’t mean that doesn’t make it alright.

So I’m contemplating my insanity while browsing on a website which my friend Virginia sent me a link to when I came across the hot thong underwear “hanky panky” and the new juicy sweatpants, both of which I IM’ed over to mom for a looksie (yes, even shopping online with someone is better than shopping alone). Here is the IM conversation:

beverly says:
French lady diet looks good to me!

Beth says:

Beth says:
i know

Beth says:
eat a croissant

Beth says:
just dont eat lunch

beverly says:
that's sort of how I do eat, so how come my 30 lbs aren't melting away?** (see note below)

Beth says:

Beth says:
these are those hot thongs

Beth says:

Beth says:
new juicys

beverly says:

beverly says:
were do they sell them?

Beth says:
i dont know

Beth says:
on this site?

Beth says:
i havent seen them anywhere else

beverly says:

beverly says:
I want them

Beth says:
the juicys or the undies?

Beth says:
or both?

beverly says:
the juicys are kinda ugly

Beth says:

Beth says:
almost cute

Beth says:
but unless you are a size 2..

beverly says:

beverly says:
hate the pockets

beverly says:
reminds me, where are my navy ones w/ the weird pockets?

Beth says:
was that a rhetorical question?

beverly says:

Beth says:
ok - just making sure

beverly says:

beverly says:
I think I'll go to the Grove
(*note – the Grove is one of the most fabulous malls in LA)

(**ONE MORE NOTE - My mom is not 30 lbs overweight, but the French Women Don't Get Fat diet that we were talking about claims that 30lbs will just melt off of you.)

So my point is – Insanity is hereditary. Poor Lucas.
Hey – at least he will always be well dressed!


Tonight we are meeting with a financial planner. Next week we are meeting with the Rabbi. I feel like we are actually maybe growing up. Maybe. Just because we are talking doesn’t mean we are actually doing anything. The financial planner lady is having us fill out this questionnaire before hand about our monthly expenses. It scares me. This morning we were trying to figure out how much we spend each month on gas alone. We figured that we spend close to $200/month ON GAS. The scary part is that that $200 on gas usually drives us to someplace to spend additional money. Then again, it also drives us to the place where we earn said money, but considering we don’t have that much of a commute – the former is truest statement.

Over the past couple of weeks we have been talking a lot about what makes us “Adults” and if we feel like “Adults” (as if there was a certain way that Adults feel like). We should feel like adults – we’re married and we have a baby. But there are times that we still feel like we’re not. Maybe you never feel like an adult.. maybe when you are not conscious as to whether or not you feel like an adult is when you actually become one.

Or maybe I’m putting entirely way to much thought into this. I need a drink.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

“Hey Swedes, How much to party?”

When you spend a lot of time with someone, you tend to get comfortable with them and do and say things that before only lived in your mind all by themselves. That is, unless you are in college and you are drunk – then you say whatever the hell you want to whomever and blame it on the $2 pint size long island ice teas.

So I share an office at work with Marsi. She is actually an old Sea Worldian, but was friends with Jason in the “BB” days (Before Beth – duh). While at first neither on of us was thrilled to not have our own office to hold up in and pretend not to hear boss lady yelling your name or to loose the ability to just not answer your phone if you really don’t want to b/c no one will ever know, we have come to really appreciate each other’s company. Plus, a bonus for her is that she gets to ignore boss lady and the phone on Mondays and Fridays when I’m not here.

So as the days go by, we share and more stories. My favorite story is of her other friend who while driving by Comic Con here in SD (a big comic book convention) saw this guy dressed as Batman walking across the street. So her friend, who I guess was a shy soft spoken girl, rolls down the window and yells “Hey Batman, how much to par-tay?”

I think when she told that story we were overworked and slightly delirious, and we found it just too funny. I am sharing it with you because it is a fabulous line to use. It works with everyone. See a construction worker out the window “Hey Construction Man – How much to party?” Get an email from funny Swedish boys who say that they are “ready to assist!” at your events and say “Hey Swedes, How much to party?” It can instantly brighten your day. I’m telling you - try it.

I came home the other day and told Jason this – and he just looked at me and asked if I actually get any work done while I am at work.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

I wonder if I can pull this down.. Posted by Hello

So Happy I have a Boy


and - just because its one of the most hideous things I’ve ever seen.

Need I say more?